Okay so I wish I was Vulcan sometimes! Yes I just recently watched the newest Star Trek movie which I thought was pretty cool and I decided that it would be decidedly easier to be Vulcan. They do not have emotions and they make decisions based solely on intellect. I think that you men are already kinda wired this way, not saying that you have no emotions but that you are good at decision making because there is much less emotion involved. In the movie, Spock has a Vulcan Father but a human Mother and he is stuck between two worlds. So if I could be Vulcan when I wanted to I think that would be awesome and you know I personally think I would look terrific with pointed ears.
I had to smile this morning as I was going down my street on my way home from the Woman's shelter. There were kids outside waiting for the bus. I first went by a group of girls who were huddled together talking and laughing and I thought I wonder what there talking about, you know I really wanted to know :-) That's when I saw a middle school aged boy run over to some other guys who were "playing" on a bridge that apparently was iced over. They were spending there time sliding all over the bridge entertaining themselves. Oh how different we boys and girls are!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Various observations...
Recently the kids and I went out for a really long bike ride. Behind Lake Brandt Apartments there is a really nice green way that follows the lake. Most of the time I jog while they ride their bikes but today I rode with them and I have decided I like riding much better than I like jogging. I think I am not built to be a runner and I hate that first 5-10 minutes before you get into the grove (sometimes that never happens).
It was such a blessing to have this time with my kids and God always shows me how different and wonderful they are. And I realized that in the same ways my children want to be affirmed I want to be affirmed and loved.
Kateland loves to be outside and even though she is a teenager I am blessed in that she still desires to hang out with me, to go bike riding, to hear what I have to say, to laugh together and be silly. She desires like I to be heard, to have a voice, to be told that she is smart and beautiful and creative and talented. She is competitive and active and faithful and loyal!
Isaac wants to know that he can do things well, that I am proud of him, that he does a good job and that he has the confidence to get it done. He wanted Kateland to ride her bike in front while he was in the middle and I rode in the back. Along the way he would check on me to make sure I was okay :-) He is funny and smart and caring and loving and thoughtful!
Sometimes I take these times for granted, we are always rushing from one thing to another and I miss really seeing them. But God is faithful in that as he calls me to parent he will also equip me to do so. In knowing and learning that I am deeply loved by Him, I can deeply love them.
I am amazed by God each day. He is teaching me something that was not modeled to me, he is teaching me to be a better parent. I get it wrong a lot, my kids will gladly tell you, they secretly like it when I am wrong :-) But I have a God who shows up in my weakness and my children grow stronger in Him by seeing his work in me!
It was such a blessing to have this time with my kids and God always shows me how different and wonderful they are. And I realized that in the same ways my children want to be affirmed I want to be affirmed and loved.
Kateland loves to be outside and even though she is a teenager I am blessed in that she still desires to hang out with me, to go bike riding, to hear what I have to say, to laugh together and be silly. She desires like I to be heard, to have a voice, to be told that she is smart and beautiful and creative and talented. She is competitive and active and faithful and loyal!
Isaac wants to know that he can do things well, that I am proud of him, that he does a good job and that he has the confidence to get it done. He wanted Kateland to ride her bike in front while he was in the middle and I rode in the back. Along the way he would check on me to make sure I was okay :-) He is funny and smart and caring and loving and thoughtful!
Sometimes I take these times for granted, we are always rushing from one thing to another and I miss really seeing them. But God is faithful in that as he calls me to parent he will also equip me to do so. In knowing and learning that I am deeply loved by Him, I can deeply love them.
I am amazed by God each day. He is teaching me something that was not modeled to me, he is teaching me to be a better parent. I get it wrong a lot, my kids will gladly tell you, they secretly like it when I am wrong :-) But I have a God who shows up in my weakness and my children grow stronger in Him by seeing his work in me!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
When the going gets tough I want to run...
I am so burdened today from conversations of things that I felt that we had gotten past with some of our Glenwood girls. Conversations about gangs, about violence, girls afraid to go to school, girls tearing one another down instead of sticking together and building one another up.
I let go and cried today because on so many levels I am sad.
I am sad because this hits so close to home. I know what it feels like to want to be loved and not knowing why or how or what. Trying to validate ourselves in our friends, in our schools, by some boy who cares nothing about us, by some gang who could care less. I am sad because they act one way with us and then they go home and they act like someone else to survive. Most so naive who think that choosing to be in a gang is a simple choice. And all coming on the heels of other girls they know who are in prison at 16 from the same choices. I am frustrated because I know about a God who wants to love us and heal us and protect us but I can't make them choose him. I can't make them make the right choices!
I am scared for them.
And then I am selfish too! I am sad because I realize I have been on the outskirts of things for a long time because being involved is so hard. It hurts, it makes me sad and sometimes I want to just do the simple things and leave the heavy to someone else. When the going gets tough I want to run!
By Jeremy Camp
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I let go and cried today because on so many levels I am sad.
I am sad because this hits so close to home. I know what it feels like to want to be loved and not knowing why or how or what. Trying to validate ourselves in our friends, in our schools, by some boy who cares nothing about us, by some gang who could care less. I am sad because they act one way with us and then they go home and they act like someone else to survive. Most so naive who think that choosing to be in a gang is a simple choice. And all coming on the heels of other girls they know who are in prison at 16 from the same choices. I am frustrated because I know about a God who wants to love us and heal us and protect us but I can't make them choose him. I can't make them make the right choices!
I am scared for them.
And then I am selfish too! I am sad because I realize I have been on the outskirts of things for a long time because being involved is so hard. It hurts, it makes me sad and sometimes I want to just do the simple things and leave the heavy to someone else. When the going gets tough I want to run!
By Jeremy Camp
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
Friday, September 4, 2009
Femininity
It is my desire that all Women would know and embrace the healing, loving presence of God. I have shared about myself twice now with the woman living at Hannah's Haven and after this second time I have felt God leading me to share more and more of my story to help other women get free.
I have had tremendous healing in the area of femininity. For a lot of women that is a bad word and without even realizing it for most of my life it was for me to. God revealed how deep a wound I had...
Some of my earliest memories are of my Mom and Dad fighting. My Dad was ferocious in anger, terrifying and loud. It appeared that my Mom was weak and cried a lot. Even after they separated there were abusive relationships. I remember waking up at night for years scared out of my mind. When I was 4 maybe 5 my Mom and I were at an outdoor auction, I was abducted by a man who molested me. He eventually abandoned me at a deserted store, the police and my mom found me hours later. I was taught at an early age that the only way to get attention was to be highly emotional and angry and use it to your advantage. In my family it lead to alcohol abuse, failed relationships and nervous breakdowns . My Dad lived as an addict on the streets for 20+ years. As I was driving to work this morning I even remembered a painful memory about my best friends Aunt who was killed by her Husband.
So over and over in my life the idea that men could not be trusted and that women were weak was like a continual theme. God had to reveal this to me, I did not consciously feel this way, I did not reject femininity out right...I just refused it in subtle ways. I always related to guys on their level, I wasn't very feminine in appearance or in my actions, I was unable to let people who loved me help me because that was weak and I wanted no part of that and trust me there's etc.
I'll never forget the moment that God showed me that I had totally rejected this part of myself. He had created me in his image and I was denying a huge part of me. He brought up every painful memory and I started to walk through this healing process.
HE showed me how to mesh together the masculine and the feminine. I love sports, going camping, water skiing and getting dirty but now I also love being feminine, being soft, dressing up etc. God created everyone differently so your journey will look different from mine. But I know one thing that will be the same...
We are fearfully and wonderfully made in his image, we get our identity in him, and he can give us wholeness to love ourselves for who he created us to be.
I won't forget the recent day when my friend told me she was surprised to learn that I was playing softball because to her I always seemed so "girlie". God is amazing!
I have had tremendous healing in the area of femininity. For a lot of women that is a bad word and without even realizing it for most of my life it was for me to. God revealed how deep a wound I had...
Some of my earliest memories are of my Mom and Dad fighting. My Dad was ferocious in anger, terrifying and loud. It appeared that my Mom was weak and cried a lot. Even after they separated there were abusive relationships. I remember waking up at night for years scared out of my mind. When I was 4 maybe 5 my Mom and I were at an outdoor auction, I was abducted by a man who molested me. He eventually abandoned me at a deserted store, the police and my mom found me hours later. I was taught at an early age that the only way to get attention was to be highly emotional and angry and use it to your advantage. In my family it lead to alcohol abuse, failed relationships and nervous breakdowns . My Dad lived as an addict on the streets for 20+ years. As I was driving to work this morning I even remembered a painful memory about my best friends Aunt who was killed by her Husband.
So over and over in my life the idea that men could not be trusted and that women were weak was like a continual theme. God had to reveal this to me, I did not consciously feel this way, I did not reject femininity out right...I just refused it in subtle ways. I always related to guys on their level, I wasn't very feminine in appearance or in my actions, I was unable to let people who loved me help me because that was weak and I wanted no part of that and trust me there's etc.
I'll never forget the moment that God showed me that I had totally rejected this part of myself. He had created me in his image and I was denying a huge part of me. He brought up every painful memory and I started to walk through this healing process.
HE showed me how to mesh together the masculine and the feminine. I love sports, going camping, water skiing and getting dirty but now I also love being feminine, being soft, dressing up etc. God created everyone differently so your journey will look different from mine. But I know one thing that will be the same...
We are fearfully and wonderfully made in his image, we get our identity in him, and he can give us wholeness to love ourselves for who he created us to be.
I won't forget the recent day when my friend told me she was surprised to learn that I was playing softball because to her I always seemed so "girlie". God is amazing!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Daddy
Where to begin, this one's been in my heart for weeks...
I guess it started with an innocent (or what I thought was) an innocent conversation about the word "Daddy". Out of the blue I shared with some friends that I did not understand the word "Daddy". That I had written a poem for my Dad's memorial and I had used the word but that I had really struggled to do so.
You see to me that word is very personal. It signifies a very personal, loving relationship. One that to me just says so much.
Simply stated, I didn't have that with my Father. So I guess the hurt from that has come back up after his recent passing.
Somewhere deep inside I am still asking my heavenly Father what I lacked from my earthly Father, am I good enough, smart enough, do I have what it takes? Can I believe that you love me no matter what, can I trust you to love me completely? Can I stop looking for things and people to validate me, can I trust you to do that and abandon myself in you?
Why am I here again, why am I so scared to surrender to this? Why am I trying to seek my own satisfaction apart from God?
My favorite song "Alabaster Box" by Cece Winans says, "The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus. She stumbles through the tears that made her blind... until at last, she knelt before his feet. And though she spoke no words everything she said was heard as she poured her love for the Master from her box of alabaster."
So hear I am today Lord, again kneeling at your feet pouring out all my pain, what I can say and what I can't say, I know you hear every word... only you know my deepest fears. Lord only you know "the" specific struggle that I cannot name.
Am I prepared to pour out my life for You? Only when I realize that You are the source, apart from you it means nothing, is empty and brings no joy. That through You all things are possible, not by my doings but by yours. As I continually die to self... oh how I hate self!
I guess it started with an innocent (or what I thought was) an innocent conversation about the word "Daddy". Out of the blue I shared with some friends that I did not understand the word "Daddy". That I had written a poem for my Dad's memorial and I had used the word but that I had really struggled to do so.
You see to me that word is very personal. It signifies a very personal, loving relationship. One that to me just says so much.
Simply stated, I didn't have that with my Father. So I guess the hurt from that has come back up after his recent passing.
Somewhere deep inside I am still asking my heavenly Father what I lacked from my earthly Father, am I good enough, smart enough, do I have what it takes? Can I believe that you love me no matter what, can I trust you to love me completely? Can I stop looking for things and people to validate me, can I trust you to do that and abandon myself in you?
Why am I here again, why am I so scared to surrender to this? Why am I trying to seek my own satisfaction apart from God?
My favorite song "Alabaster Box" by Cece Winans says, "The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus. She stumbles through the tears that made her blind... until at last, she knelt before his feet. And though she spoke no words everything she said was heard as she poured her love for the Master from her box of alabaster."
So hear I am today Lord, again kneeling at your feet pouring out all my pain, what I can say and what I can't say, I know you hear every word... only you know my deepest fears. Lord only you know "the" specific struggle that I cannot name.
Am I prepared to pour out my life for You? Only when I realize that You are the source, apart from you it means nothing, is empty and brings no joy. That through You all things are possible, not by my doings but by yours. As I continually die to self... oh how I hate self!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Dad
July 14, 2009I looked for poems, I looked for songs, none seemed so right as the one that I could write…
A daughter is born, look at her feet, her Dad’s in love, thank God above
He loves her to pieces for this she well knows
As this little girl grows so does her love for her Daddy
Her Daddy, so well known
His personality God gave him alone
So loved is he by everyone he meets
That’s the way God intended he be
But somewhere along the way he struggled with a false identity
One God never intended he carry
A burden to heavy
His life soon turned to one so lost, so hard, so lonely
His daughter thinks if only….
If only things were different
I wish we had more time
I hope you knew I was not disappointed in you
It was meant to be so different
But dear Dad I have forgiven
And want you to know I love you for all time
Written for my precious Dad whom I love
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Heal the wound but leave the scar....
"Heal the wound but leave the scar, a reminder of how good you are." It's a lyric to a song by Point of Grace.
This week has been hard! My Uncle passed away suddenly we had just started to get to know one another. He is my Dad's brother. We were just writing a week ago about my Dad. He said, "I choose to remember him as he was."
In my life I hope it's the opposite. I am glad people know me for who I am now but I don't want them or me to forget the past. God has healed the wound but I need to remember how far he has brought me. When I don't I get prideful and selfish.
God was my guide this week, he held me up, he held my hand, he was my friend. He only understands the things I can't put into words, he comforts me.
I grieve again for things that will never be. But HE remains the same, he is my I AM!
Random thoughts....
This week has been hard! My Uncle passed away suddenly we had just started to get to know one another. He is my Dad's brother. We were just writing a week ago about my Dad. He said, "I choose to remember him as he was."
In my life I hope it's the opposite. I am glad people know me for who I am now but I don't want them or me to forget the past. God has healed the wound but I need to remember how far he has brought me. When I don't I get prideful and selfish.
God was my guide this week, he held me up, he held my hand, he was my friend. He only understands the things I can't put into words, he comforts me.
I grieve again for things that will never be. But HE remains the same, he is my I AM!
Random thoughts....
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Isaac's pet turtle and first pet heartbreak
Isaac, Kateland and I went to visit my cousin, his wife and children in Thomasville over the weekend. Isaac and his cousin Marianna found this turtle and Isaac brought him home and named him Swimey. Isaac and Kateland thought he looked like he was swimming when you held him up and he was all stretched out. When he was bringing him home in the car he pee'd on Isaac, after he was initiated it was all love for the turtle.
After several days it started to weigh on Isaac's mind that a box with grass in it was not sufficient for him. He came into my room one night crying and crying because he loved the turtle but felt like it would have a better life living back in it's own habitat. Isaac feels certain things very deeply so he took this very hard and the decision to let him go was a very serious one to him. So tomorrow we are going to take him down to the water and let him go. I learned a lot about my son in a short time. He is a loyal, loving little guy!! I am proud of him!!
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