Daddy

Where to begin, this one's been in my heart for weeks...

I guess it started with an innocent (or what I thought was) an innocent conversation about the word "Daddy". Out of the blue I shared with some friends that I did not understand the word "Daddy". That I had written a poem for my Dad's memorial and I had used the word but that I had really struggled to do so.

You see to me that word is very personal. It signifies a very personal, loving relationship. One that to me just says so much.

Simply stated, I didn't have that with my Father. So I guess the hurt from that has come back up after his recent passing.

Somewhere deep inside I am still asking my heavenly Father what I lacked from my earthly Father, am I good enough, smart enough, do I have what it takes? Can I believe that you love me no matter what, can I trust you to love me completely? Can I stop looking for things and people to validate me, can I trust you to do that and abandon myself in you?

Why am I here again, why am I so scared to surrender to this? Why am I trying to seek my own satisfaction apart from God?

My favorite song "Alabaster Box" by Cece Winans says, "The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus. She stumbles through the tears that made her blind... until at last, she knelt before his feet. And though she spoke no words everything she said was heard as she poured her love for the Master from her box of alabaster."

So hear I am today Lord, again kneeling at your feet pouring out all my pain, what I can say and what I can't say, I know you hear every word... only you know my deepest fears. Lord only you know "the" specific struggle that I cannot name.

Am I prepared to pour out my life for You? Only when I realize that You are the source, apart from you it means nothing, is empty and brings no joy. That through You all things are possible, not by my doings but by yours. As I continually die to self... oh how I hate self!