The Garden of my heart

I have been meaning to blog about this for awhile. I went to a conference recently called "Journey to Wholeness". Here is what I wrote after the conference.

Lord I never want to look back. I went into the conference looking out to everything to fill me. People, situations, my husband, church, the world... What I didn't realize was my lack of looking up to you was effecting everything spiritual in my life. I had an aversion to reading the word of God, I had an aversion to the truth. I wonder how many people there are in ministry that are ministering from that place. Before I could look up you had to show me how unwilling I was to believe that you could love someone like me. In the time we spent reflecting on the "garden of our hearts" God you showed me beautiful rows of flowers in the center of my garden that were various colors. But at the corners of my garden there was blackness and it was threatening to consume the beauty. As you and I walked around the garden all of the flowers yielded to you, they reached up to their full height to reach out to you and bend towards you. Not only did you show me that you created all things to worship you, you showed me that these flowers were my desires, that my desire was to worship you and press into you. But the darkness in the corners was doubt, fear, insecurity and rejection. Because I was trying to solve them with worldly solutions they were threatening to overcome my desires to worship and press into you. You went to stand in each one of my corners and there brought light and life into the darkness. Where there was darkness flowers sprang up and a single sunflower in each corner. But in my corner of rejection you placed an apple tree and invited me to sit with you. It was here that you told me... You spoke to my deepest darkest place. You didn't speak to my mind you spoke directly to my heart with one look. The look told me how adored I was. That in that place you solely had eyes for me and you had always cared and loved me. The rejection was then gone, you see, my deepest fear was that I was never worthy to be loved like that, a deep unconditional love that only God can give.

At the bottom of my journal after I re-read what I wrote there was a scripture written in it, here is what it said.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143:8

Every day I desire that God would show me his unfailing love, bring me back to the time together under the apple tree. I put my trust in him that he will show me every way to turn and I want my soul to be forever lifted to him. No longer do I want to be filled with anything else.